Query Tweaking

I entered a Query Blog Fest yesterday on my main blog, and got some fabulous feedback from several people. I thought I'd post the original query, and then my revised version on here, just to see how they compare, and what your thoughts are. So here goes...

Original Query:

Name

Address

Contact numbers

Email

Dear Ms Agent,

Take one damsel unknowingly in distress, add a fairy-godmother, a spattering of nudity, and a Prince-in-the-making. Mix thoroughly and let simmer for a while.

Ella, a twenty-something woman from Cardiff, loves her job, her little house, her two best friends, and her cat. She enjoys nights out on the town, drinking a little too much vodka, and swearing more than she should. She's happy with her life, and it doesn't need changing, right?


But what will she do when her cat starts talking and insists she is Ella's fairy godmother? And what will happen when a new man arrives to take over as boss at Cardiff Mode, the modeling agency where Ella works? Will Max Charming change her mind about needing a man?


Cue plenty of laughs, cursing, accidental nudity, and several trips to the local hospital, as Ella flies from one disaster to the next in her quest to capture her very own Prince Charming.

A modern fairytale, Cardiffella is complete at 60,000 words. It is the first novel in a mini-series that is set in my home city of Cardiff. I have enclosed a SAE for your convenience, and a full synopsis and/or sample chapters are available on request. Thank you very much for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Tara Smith.

General feedback was much the same - keep the first and last paragraphs of the pitch, but condense the middle two and make them less 'list-y' and 'question -y'. Bearing this in mind, here is my first revision:

Name

Address

Contact numbers

Email

Dear Ms Agent,

Take one damsel unknowingly in distress, add a fairy-godmother, a spattering of nudity, and a Prince-in-the-making. Mix thoroughly and let simmer for a while.

Ella Gibson loves her life as a typical twenty-something Cardiffian. With great friends, a job she enjoys thoroughly, and a loving father, everything is pretty much perfect. Then one day things suddenly change. Ella's cat begins to talk, causing Ella to think she is insane (and quite possibly the cat too). Then the feline insists she's a Fairy Godmother, and hatches a plan to set Ella up with her new boss, Max Charming. Throw in an evil ex-stepmother, and a new tendency for clumsiness, and Ella starts to think that maybe her life could do with a little perfecting after all.

Cue plenty of laughs, cursing, accidental nudity, and several trips to the local hospital, as Ella flies from one disaster to the next in her quest to capture her very own Prince Charming.

A modern fairytale, Cardiffella is complete at 60,000 words. It is the first novel in a mini-series that is set in my home city of Cardiff. I have enclosed a SAE for your convenience, and a full synopsis and/or sample chapters are available on request. Thank you very much for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Tara Smith.

So, does this sound any better? It's nowhere near 'done', but hopefully it's an improvement at the very least.

Image borrowed from here.